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Fuck you, grapefruit

01 Mar

Fuck you, grapefruit. Fuck you right in your sickly dark-red ass.

Grapefruits are the Nigerian spam of the world of fruit. Yay, I just got $20,000,000 off this Nigerian prince on the internet. Wait, why is my bank account empty? Yay, oranges! Wait, grapefruit.

In every way that oranges are awesome, grapefruits are awful. Just look at them! Oranges are joyful, bright, full of life–they’re orange! Grapefruits are the sickly pale hue of a nerd that sits in front of his PC 20 hours a day grinding quests in World of Warcraft. “That’s not all I do,” Grapefruits insist in their whiny high-pitched voices. “I have other interests! For instance, let me show you my 15 terabyte collection of racist hentai. I’m the only collector outside of Japan!” Go away, grapefruit. “This one is about a nazi officer who summons demons by raping Chinese mothers to death.” Fuck you, grapefruit.

Look at their flesh! Oranges are brimming with positive orange-ness. You can see all the sun they stored up, conveniently turned into TASTINESS for you. Even their flesh looks joyful and willing. “Yay!” it seems to shout. “Eat me eat me EAT ME!”

Grapefruits look like afterbirth.

And then you taste them. Oh my god, why would you do that to yourself? Oranges taste of summer and carelessness. Grapefruits taste like a fire in a chemical plant. Where your grandma burned to death. No, grapefruits taste like that horrible medicine you had to take when you had that embarassing childhood disease, and so you ate the whole packet at once just to get it over with, only to learn that those were suppositories. Grapefruits taste like something that is meant to go up your ass.

Guess what, oranges are good for you too. Only they don’t feel the need to punch you in the balls with every sip and every bite to drive the point home.

We must rid the world of this plague of grapefruits. We must destroy all of them and every last drop of the drink derived from them must be evaporated. We must exterminate all the juice.

 
1 Comment

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  1. Mando

    May 16, 2011 at 18:34

    Hahaha! Well done!

    I’ve been ranting about they’re uselessness for years!

    They’re all pith and no game! And the name? it says it all, it’s a marketing ploy to use grapes fame to their advantage. They have nothing to do with grapes!

     
 
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